Letter to a Friend during Heartbreak*
I hope you are doing well. As you know, he is gone and this time around I am well prepared.
I believe him just enough so that my heart loses that sharp, unbearable part of the pain. I am sad. Not devastated. But very very sad. I still see him almost everyday, but I need to put a stop to that. And I am trying. So my life pretty much really sucks:( I think the first time, I was devastated because I had no idea that there could be pain like that— where my heart just feels broken. These days, I walk around trying to keep sadness at arms length. And I succeed 50-50 of the time, which I think is a good percentage. I am meeting more people and hanging out more with the Deadwood crowd. Even met an interesting, new “potential” friend. But my sadness just creeps up on me. And it feels like such hard work at the end of the day, to keep pushing it away. Then I cry a little or get angry a little. And feel something like normal again.
Ravi has been helping me a lot through this. I don’t know what I would do without him. For whatever reason, just being with him makes me feel something like normal when that buzzing anxiety hits me. The one where I cannot stand being in my own skin. When it gets too much to bear, I show up at his office. And hold his hand, or hug him, and I feel better (if not well).
What hurts me is that I spent almost 7 years of my life being in a relationship that was basically unhappy. For a host of reasons, that was both of our faults. But I never once seriously considered bailing out, even though I had every reason to. And now, when I least expected it, when I was trying so hard, he bailed out. He just left. Didn’t even bother to tell me that he was thinking about it seriously and this is what will happen. I had to hear it from someone else.
I have my moments of self-pity. Life is cruel, man. But it’s okay. Strangely, I have a lot of support (even though I often felt friendless when I was with him). And he keeps saying how much he still needs me. Which is like digging a double-edged, sharp sword right into my gut. I mostly don’t talk about it. I try to do my work. And I am basically okay. I am realizing that even if he is kind of an asshole, I do need him in my life. And slowly slowly I am accepting his new role in my life. We will see what life brings. I pray that it is not more pain. My biggest fear is that another tsunami is right around the corner. This has been a terrible year. And strangely, I am beginning to feel some peace, some strength.
I hope you are well. I felt like telling you this morning as I woke up missing him with a sharpness that took my breath away.
Miss you, my friend