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Weighing Trust

March 19, 2012

I thought about it long and hard.

I made tea, I sat down, and deliberated intently. I had my raging sense of “rightness” to help cloud logic and purpose. A loud voice was telling me that I should raise the alarm while I still could. I should write to you.

I remembered the story of my friend, who stopped himself from slicing his wrists, because he heard some birds singing from his window right as he was about to cut. He got distracted. And that one moment was enough to stop him from harming himself. His story haunts me. He survived each day by letting himself get distracted for one more day. Until one day, his thoughts stopped being about his failures and his worthlessness.

So I thought about telling you, of alarming you, of asking you for help. But no matter, how hard I tried, I couldn’t work out what exactly I would accomplish from letting you know. You cannot help. In fact, it is possible that you could make things worse. It hurt to know that the distance between us had grown so wide, that I could not even access the simple support of a trusted friend’s ear.

I could take the risk. I could bet on our friendship. But I realize with dismay, that I can’t. That’s not a safe bet.

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